It has come to my attention that I may be....high strung.
According to the dictionary, high strung means "at great tension; highly excitable or nervous; edgy" - and I presume that is not the COOL kind of edgy. It's the kind of edgy that makes your heart race and your palms sweat. The kind that, on occasion, people can feel wafting off of you in waves of tension and anxiety.
I think it's genetic. My grandma was always anxious, on edge. And Mom, if you're reading this, I hate to tell you, but you are too. :) I take comfort that after talking with my cousin, she feels the same way I do. At least I'm not alone!
Unfortunately, this is at odds with my preferred and ideal way of living. I would much prefer to not feel like a complete mess when I forget my daughter's parent teacher conference and end up sending no less than 6 apologies rapid fire. To not feel this permanent knot of tangled worry in my gut all of the time. To be able to not dissolve into tears when I make a mistake at work (oh yea, that's happened more times than I care to admit).
What it boils down to is this: I take things too seriously and care too much. I care about how well I perform my job because I don't want to negatively impact someone else. I care about my friends and family because I want them to be happy and do what I can to help with that. I care about not being perfect, because that means I might make a mistake and mistakes can make people hurt. I care about not hurting feelings and saying the right thing. I care about people I know and the people I don't. I am a contagious crier (a term I just picked up from The Sun is Also a Star which I would recommend) that hurts when others hurt.
This leaves me wandering - how can I still care, but not let it diminish my happiness?
I think that caring is necessary.
Period.
However, caring too much, is a challenge. Not to mention there have been so many times that I have been the epitome of the proverb "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". There are so many times that I think that I'm doing something that's for the best of someone else, when in fact it's more harm than good.
What I need is, like so many things, a balance. I need to care, but know where the line is of it being too much - or taking on things that are not mine to carry. This is something that I've been testing out over the last few months, and like any time you try something new, you suck at it first. I feel like I've been on a pendulum swinging back and forth between the extremes, but sometimes passing through the "balance point". Each time, I swing, I worry about the destruction that I leave behind, most of the time forgetting the fact that, while I never want to purposefully do harm to anyone,
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS
I can try to monitor what I say, but I don't get to choose if someone else finds it offensive. I can try my best to communicate, but I don't get to choose if someone thinks I've blown them off by forgetting to respond to a text. I can buy a thoughtful gift, but I don't get to choose if someone else doesn't hold it in high regard.
This is a challenging concept for me to accept, but one I feel is vital for me to learn to embrace if I ever do want to strike a balance with my caring. For now, I'll take it one day at a time.
