Peace in Chaos

To say that it has been a whirlwind of a month feels like a gigantic understatement. Also, has it really only been a month???

COVID19 has swept through the world turning our lives upside down. It's terrifying to watch the news and see the fear and anxiety gripping the world. Fear of illness, losing loved ones, losing jobs, running out of essentials, going to the store, and I believe the all encompassing fear of the unknown. We've all added new words and phrases to our every day lexicons: sheltering in place, social distancing, novel virus, self-quarantine, essential, flattening the curve, and more. These have become common place in daily conversation, now taking place over the phone or Zoom.

There's no denying that this is a scary and uncertain time, however, I've been truly bolstered by the beautiful acts of kindness and humanity occurring. The first time that I saw a video of Italians holding a make shift concert on their balconies to help reduce the feeling of isolation while sheltering in place, tears sprang to my eyes. In the midst of the chaos, they showed up for each other and gave each other hope. The hope doesn't stop there. The stories of people creating cloth masks and donating them to health care workers and other essential employees brings hope. Stores having special hours for only the high risk and elderly brings hope. Gifts of generosity to those struggling to pay their bills brings hope.

For me, I began to notice that all of these acts of hope had another link trailing with them: gratitude. I found myself being thankful for all of these amazing people doing incredible things. Once I tapped into gratitude, I began to feel a little better. Like anything in life, there are things we can't control, but we can always control how we react to the uncontrollable. I've chosen to combat some of my fear and anxiety with hope and gratitude.

Each morning, I find myself waking up and listing no less than 10 things that I'm grateful for. What I've noticed that has recently changed from when I began this practice months ago, is now my gratitude is heavily rooted in the temporary present. This morning, it went something like this:

1. I'm grateful for the current health of my family today. I hope tomorrow that is the case as well.
2. I'm grateful for my husband who has really been my rock and the fact that our marriage is strong.
3. I'm grateful for my kids and the joy they bring.
4. I'm grateful for the roof over my head and walls keeping us protected.
5. I'm grateful for my job today that allows me to help society, work from home, and pay my bills.
6. I'm grateful for the food in my pantry and fridge; that we'll have 3 meals and even dessert today.
7. I'm grateful for the ability to FaceTime my mom so even though we can't be together, I can see her face.
8. I'm grateful for hearing from my sister more often.
9. I'm grateful for all of the healthcare workers putting themselves in this new line of fire and making the hard choices to save as many loved ones as they can.
10. I'm grateful for all of the essential workers that have helped the world continue to spin with some sense of normalcy. They make sure food is on the shelves, mail is in our boxes, clean water comes from our taps, trash is off of the streets, etc.

We can never know what tomorrow will bring, but we can certainly be grateful for all of the big and little things today. After all, life can change in an instant.

What are 10 things that you are grateful for today?

Happiness is.....

reading/listening to a wonderful book that transports you into it's world and stays with you a while when you're done.
traveling to the moon with my kids.
playing Unlock! with my husband.
concerts and shows with my mom.
chocolate.... all the chocolate.
adventures big and small with my best friend.
therapy sessions with friends, both as the "therapist" and as the "patient".
finding something you thought was lost.
laughing until you cry.
group hugs and family dog piles.
goofing around with my sister.
hearing the kids say "I love you" and feeling it with all my heart.
cleaning and the house when it's all clean!
all 5 minutes that the house stays clean....
delicious food.
date nights (with delicious food).
memories of Dad.
snow, when I don't have some place to drive to.
traveling to places I haven't been or returning to those that I love.
the mountains and hiking in them.
the smell and taste of a glass of flavorful red wine.
lilacs.
extended family time in Grand Lake.
that feeling when you succeed at something that challenged you.
making someone else's day.
white beaches of the Florida panhandle.
finding the perfect gift for someone you care about.
doing the right thing.
runners high.
checking things off of the to-do list.
the first day you can breathe through your nose again after being sick.

What is your happiness?

Habit 3 Check-In

Oh man, time. 

It's always the catch. 

Trying to find the space in my day to exercise is ridiculously tricky. I've been doing my best to find time to take a "lunch" break at work. I'll grab my book and head down to the gym to walk for a bit on the treadmill. True, I'm not working up a sweat, but it has felt nice to get moving. 

The real breakthrough came this week after doing some research. I found a way to sneak in some movement and hang with the family, especially the kids. Last Monday, we purchased Ring Fit Adventure for the Wii Switch and it's caused some changes in the house. The kids are actually enjoying things like squats and lunges. Sure they're staring at a screen while an avatar is running gazelle like through fields, but they're still moving!

It's become a new family bonding. We are all vying to hold the record for the various solo exercises and mini-games. It has started to get down right competitive!

I don't know if it's the endorphin release, the goofy time with the kids, or the mandatory "Victory Pose" at the end of each round, but the fit game does make me feel pretty happy.

My middle munchkin's victory pose.

Habit 3: Happy People Get Exercise

"Exercise may very well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all activities."

 - Sonja Lyumbomirsky

There really is nothing like exercise to clear the head and relieve stress. Trouble for me, as with a lot of people I'm sure, is simple: time. 

There's only so many hours in the day. While I know that I should prioritize exercise at some point throughout the day, so many other things always bump it off of the schedule. Time with my kids, my husband, my friends, work, chores all take priority. 

What I think it comes down to is making the time to exercise feels like a selfish act. I'm guilty of not regularly putting my needs on the To-Do List; responsibilities and everyone else's needs come first.  We've all heard the analogy of the oxygen masks on airplanes, right? You are supposed to put your mask on first before assisting other passengers. If you don't take that first step, you'll be useless for anyone else. 

This week I'm going to try to make exercise a priority. I'm going to put on that oxygen mask and take some deep breaths. I think everyone can survive without me for 30-minutes :)     

Habit 2 Check In

"You never fail until you stop trying." 

- Albert Einstein

This week has gotten away from me a bit and I didn't put Habit #2 into practice as planned. I continued to complete the brain dumps in the morning, however, time was short and they weren't as complete as they should have been. Truth: the gratitude practice was forgotten...

There is a board game that we acquired as a family called Happy Little Accidents, based on Bob Ross and his happy trees and clouds. It is a fantastic family game night experience. All three of my kids could play and have fun, which is a big deal with the age gap between the  4 and 11-years-old. 

The premise of the game is to create a beautiful picture from a squiggle (AKA: a mistake). The morale being, of course, to not be deterred by mistakes, but to move on from them and keep trying to make something beautiful. 

Today's take away:

         #1: Happy Little Accidents is a fabulous board game you should go out and play for yourself!

         #2: I'll keep trying to apply Habit 2 into my day before we move on to Habit 3...

Habit 2: Happy People Feel Gratitude

"Mom, did you know that when you smile, a person will smile back at you?" - My 4-year-old kiddo.

Every November we are reminded to be thankful. Families gather around the dinner table and, much to the chagrin of my children, are asked to take turns and say what they are thankful for. It really is a wonderful practice, but one that should happen more than once a year. 

After a particularly dishearteningly thankless day with my three kiddos, I put myself in timeout. All day the three of them had been demanding, forgotten their manners, and were being, well, kids. Right before my timeout, the youngest, 3-years old at the time, had just thrown an epic fit because I asked her to help clean up her own mess. 

Stewing in the solitude of my room, I wondered how I had failed them. How could they be so ungrateful for everything they have? Well, for starters, they are kids and not understanding how lucky they are comes with the territory. However, I was determined to make sure they started to consider all the great things they have more often. 

That night at dinner, I announced to the family that each night, we would go around the table and say one thing we are thankful for. Caveat: it had to be something new each and every night; no repeats. 

This new ritual started a dialogue about gratitude. My husband and I talked with the kids about what it meant to be thankful, and we talk about all of the things that we have to be grateful for. We talk about having ample food, clothes, electricity, heat; a roof over our heads and toys in their rooms. We talked about having gratitude for our current health and happiness, and for all of the love in our lives along with the friends and family to share it. 

I regret that after a few months, the ritual faded until it finally stopped all together. 

It's a practice that I would like to bring back with my family, but also with myself. 

Seeking and truly feeling gratitude for your life is amazingly transformative. The magic is that you can apply it anywhere, anytime. For example:

• Caught in traffic??  - What a great opportunity to have time to bond with your kiddo trapped in the back!
• Had a rough day on the job?? - Find gratitude in having a job that helps you pay your bills and take care of your family. You can even find gratitude for those challenging days that help you grow and push you out of your comfort zone.
• Have to pick up your husband's dirty socks off the counter AGAIN??* - Okay, this one might be tough to find gratitude in, but hopefully you love him so darn much that you are grateful for the man that he is and can laugh it off.

*These are all hypothetical situations. Any resemblance to actual situations (living or dead) is purely coincidental.

I'm not saying that happy people go around with rose colored glasses accepting horrible jobs and dancing with their husbands stinky socks gleefully. 

What they do is look for the bright side in situations and remember to take the time to be grateful for what they have instead of complaining or always looking for the greener grass. They remember to not take things for granted, but to find the good purpose in any situation. 

I've already quoted her once in my short little blog, but I am such a Maya Angelou fan I'm going to just drop this right here:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." - Maya Angelou.

Chose to change your attitude to one of gratitude!

Beginning today, I am going to add conscious gratitude to my day. At the end of my brain dump every morning, I'll wrap it up with three things that I'm grateful for. At the end of the day before turning out the light to hit the hay, I'm going to reflect on three more things that I'm grateful for from my day. 

Habit 1 Check-in

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelou

Change is not easy. Even with something as simple as trying to create a new habit, I find myself easily pulled into older habits. Perhaps habits that aren't beneficial... like binge watching shows on Netflix while I have a house that needs to be cleaned....

That being said, I did notice some changes in myself over the last almost week after beginning my Existing in the Present habits. The first thing that I noticed was the change in what my "brain dump" themes were. Over the first few days, there were a lot of repeat anxieties that appeared. It really helped me to identify at least two key anxieties that I have in my life right now. After noting that, I did find that I thought about them less often during the day. It was as if I had made a note that they existed, so my brain gave them a rest during the day. Thank goodness!

Another interesting note regarding the brain dumps was the change that I saw these last couple of days. My first few days were pages filled with topics spilling over in my mind. Stress and worries mostly. However, in the last couple of days, more notes of gratitude have been sneaking in. They mix among fewer worries than that first day as well. I'm curious to see if that remains the case of the next week.

I found a lot of success with the new habit of naming my thoughts before they could consume me too. It was amazing when I began how many times I would have a thought about something far out of my control. By simply pausing and naming the thought "Worry", I calmed my emotional reaction. It  tempered my mind from spinning out of control. In other words: SUCCESS!!!

Don't get me wrong, there were still plenty of times over the last week I found myself in the same cycles I've been in for years. They weren't as consuming as they had previously been, though. At times, I felt more in control, and in return, I did feel happier.

Habit 1: Happy People Live in the Present

"Take time to stop and smell the roses." - Proverb

Let's start with a habit that I KNOW needs to be applied to my life stat. I am definitely a worry wart, but I come by it honestly. My mom is a worry wart and so was her mom before her and I'm sure her mom before her. The future and its uncertainty can keep the mind swirling in an inescapable anxiety vortex. This habit of living in the worries of the unknown plagues me. Often times, it's not even big things I find myself consumed with, but more the little day to day choices that I make. I find myself anxiously overthinking someone's reaction to an email that I sent.

Will they think I'm rude?

Did I word that right?

Do they know that was sarcasm?

The overthinking is at the center of it all. If we could travel into my head like in Inside Out, my brain headquarters would have a Joy, Sadness, Fear, etc. Running the show, though, would be Anxiety and Rumination. 

There have been times as a parent that I've had to give myself a strong pep-talk before taking my little 4-year old outside of the house, especially anywhere that will be crowded.
Child (AKA My Heart Outside of My Body) + Area with Hoards of Random People = Crippling Death Spiral of a Million Terrifying Possibilities.

The mysterious future is only one aspect stealing focus on the present. The other, of course, is the past. The past can be just as much of a minefield as the future. Unlike the anxiety of the future though, the past tends to have a pull towards sadness and longing. It holds the promise of knowing what was, but then causing the pain in understanding it is no longer. 

There is a quote (often attributed to Lao Tzu, but also Warren Buffet, so I'll just say by Unknown) that states: "If you're depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." 

If you feel me on this, first let me say: welcome to the club! Secondly, let's see if we can change these habits, shall we?

Over this next week, I'm going to apply two suggestions for helping a person live more in the moment. 

The first is similar to a tactic used in meditation: thought labeling. As soon as that vortex begins to swirl, take a deep breathe, mentally step back and label the thoughts as they come. If it's an unfounded anxious thought, simply think: anxiety. If it's a sad thought related to the past, think: sadness or nostalgia. This practice of labeling does not carry with it any judgement, only the idea that by calling the thoughts what they truly are, we can start to piece together the reality hidden in the haze. 

The second is to brain dump every morning. If you're thinking, "um, a brain what now?" don't worry, you're not alone. I picked up this trick from a casual conversation with an acquaintance who  explained this concept while I sat in awe. How it works: you sit down and write down anything and everything that's flying through your head. You can write to-dos, anxieties, wishes, random thoughts, etc. The idea is to capture it on paper, preventing it from whipping around in your noggin anymore.  Once the list is written, you can decide what to do next. Some of the tangible things you can make a plan for. Other things, you might untangle further a bit later. Whatever your next move, those thoughts racing through your mind are now captured in the written word, freeing your brain and allowing it room to really focus.

Here goes nothing! :) 

"Happiness is not a goal: it is the byproduct of a life well lived." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Happiness. That tricksy emotion that it seems humanity is constantly searching for. It's lead me to a question recently that I feel burns for all of us: what makes for a happy life? Are there key ingredients that we can mix together in a tangy recipe to bake eternal bliss? If Eleanor is right and it's the byproduct of the lives we choose to lead, then may I please get some bullet points on what "well lived" encompasses please?

I've been on a quest for years now trying to figure out the formula to a well lived life. However, last week, everything changed; an epiphany if you will. I'd just finished listening to the audio book for The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It's a interesting look into why we do what we do and how habits form our lives in insidious ways that never even cross our conscious minds. I always love a good dive into psychology.
Duhigg speaks about a man named William James who did a year long experiment where he decided he would believe in change and his ability to enact change. He determined that habits were what "allows us to do something with difficulty the first time, but soon do it more and more easily". He became an active participant in his life and sought to change the things that weren't serving him anymore.
It seems so easy. So straightforward. Make the decision and make your life happier.

Enter, the research: what are the habits of a happy person? Since this is a topic that everyone can relate to, there is a lot of information out there. There are books, articles, blogs (like this!), and more. A treasure trove for those of us actively wanting to better our lives and find true happiness or at least something really close. I'll settle for close.

I've decided to put my research to the test. Each week, I'm going to select one of the identified habits that happy people practice and I'm going to fold it into my routine. I'm going to apply it to my life with intention and report back here on my verdict. Do I feel happier? What do I notice as I try to change my habits? Join me if you'd like! You know what they say: happiness loves company :)
Okay.... that's not the saying, but it should be.

And away....we....go!