Habit 2: Happy People Feel Gratitude

"Mom, did you know that when you smile, a person will smile back at you?" - My 4-year-old kiddo.

Every November we are reminded to be thankful. Families gather around the dinner table and, much to the chagrin of my children, are asked to take turns and say what they are thankful for. It really is a wonderful practice, but one that should happen more than once a year. 

After a particularly dishearteningly thankless day with my three kiddos, I put myself in timeout. All day the three of them had been demanding, forgotten their manners, and were being, well, kids. Right before my timeout, the youngest, 3-years old at the time, had just thrown an epic fit because I asked her to help clean up her own mess. 

Stewing in the solitude of my room, I wondered how I had failed them. How could they be so ungrateful for everything they have? Well, for starters, they are kids and not understanding how lucky they are comes with the territory. However, I was determined to make sure they started to consider all the great things they have more often. 

That night at dinner, I announced to the family that each night, we would go around the table and say one thing we are thankful for. Caveat: it had to be something new each and every night; no repeats. 

This new ritual started a dialogue about gratitude. My husband and I talked with the kids about what it meant to be thankful, and we talk about all of the things that we have to be grateful for. We talk about having ample food, clothes, electricity, heat; a roof over our heads and toys in their rooms. We talked about having gratitude for our current health and happiness, and for all of the love in our lives along with the friends and family to share it. 

I regret that after a few months, the ritual faded until it finally stopped all together. 

It's a practice that I would like to bring back with my family, but also with myself. 

Seeking and truly feeling gratitude for your life is amazingly transformative. The magic is that you can apply it anywhere, anytime. For example:

• Caught in traffic??  - What a great opportunity to have time to bond with your kiddo trapped in the back!
• Had a rough day on the job?? - Find gratitude in having a job that helps you pay your bills and take care of your family. You can even find gratitude for those challenging days that help you grow and push you out of your comfort zone.
• Have to pick up your husband's dirty socks off the counter AGAIN??* - Okay, this one might be tough to find gratitude in, but hopefully you love him so darn much that you are grateful for the man that he is and can laugh it off.

*These are all hypothetical situations. Any resemblance to actual situations (living or dead) is purely coincidental.

I'm not saying that happy people go around with rose colored glasses accepting horrible jobs and dancing with their husbands stinky socks gleefully. 

What they do is look for the bright side in situations and remember to take the time to be grateful for what they have instead of complaining or always looking for the greener grass. They remember to not take things for granted, but to find the good purpose in any situation. 

I've already quoted her once in my short little blog, but I am such a Maya Angelou fan I'm going to just drop this right here:

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." - Maya Angelou.

Chose to change your attitude to one of gratitude!

Beginning today, I am going to add conscious gratitude to my day. At the end of my brain dump every morning, I'll wrap it up with three things that I'm grateful for. At the end of the day before turning out the light to hit the hay, I'm going to reflect on three more things that I'm grateful for from my day. 

Habit 1 Check-in

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelou

Change is not easy. Even with something as simple as trying to create a new habit, I find myself easily pulled into older habits. Perhaps habits that aren't beneficial... like binge watching shows on Netflix while I have a house that needs to be cleaned....

That being said, I did notice some changes in myself over the last almost week after beginning my Existing in the Present habits. The first thing that I noticed was the change in what my "brain dump" themes were. Over the first few days, there were a lot of repeat anxieties that appeared. It really helped me to identify at least two key anxieties that I have in my life right now. After noting that, I did find that I thought about them less often during the day. It was as if I had made a note that they existed, so my brain gave them a rest during the day. Thank goodness!

Another interesting note regarding the brain dumps was the change that I saw these last couple of days. My first few days were pages filled with topics spilling over in my mind. Stress and worries mostly. However, in the last couple of days, more notes of gratitude have been sneaking in. They mix among fewer worries than that first day as well. I'm curious to see if that remains the case of the next week.

I found a lot of success with the new habit of naming my thoughts before they could consume me too. It was amazing when I began how many times I would have a thought about something far out of my control. By simply pausing and naming the thought "Worry", I calmed my emotional reaction. It  tempered my mind from spinning out of control. In other words: SUCCESS!!!

Don't get me wrong, there were still plenty of times over the last week I found myself in the same cycles I've been in for years. They weren't as consuming as they had previously been, though. At times, I felt more in control, and in return, I did feel happier.

Habit 1: Happy People Live in the Present

"Take time to stop and smell the roses." - Proverb

Let's start with a habit that I KNOW needs to be applied to my life stat. I am definitely a worry wart, but I come by it honestly. My mom is a worry wart and so was her mom before her and I'm sure her mom before her. The future and its uncertainty can keep the mind swirling in an inescapable anxiety vortex. This habit of living in the worries of the unknown plagues me. Often times, it's not even big things I find myself consumed with, but more the little day to day choices that I make. I find myself anxiously overthinking someone's reaction to an email that I sent.

Will they think I'm rude?

Did I word that right?

Do they know that was sarcasm?

The overthinking is at the center of it all. If we could travel into my head like in Inside Out, my brain headquarters would have a Joy, Sadness, Fear, etc. Running the show, though, would be Anxiety and Rumination. 

There have been times as a parent that I've had to give myself a strong pep-talk before taking my little 4-year old outside of the house, especially anywhere that will be crowded.
Child (AKA My Heart Outside of My Body) + Area with Hoards of Random People = Crippling Death Spiral of a Million Terrifying Possibilities.

The mysterious future is only one aspect stealing focus on the present. The other, of course, is the past. The past can be just as much of a minefield as the future. Unlike the anxiety of the future though, the past tends to have a pull towards sadness and longing. It holds the promise of knowing what was, but then causing the pain in understanding it is no longer. 

There is a quote (often attributed to Lao Tzu, but also Warren Buffet, so I'll just say by Unknown) that states: "If you're depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." 

If you feel me on this, first let me say: welcome to the club! Secondly, let's see if we can change these habits, shall we?

Over this next week, I'm going to apply two suggestions for helping a person live more in the moment. 

The first is similar to a tactic used in meditation: thought labeling. As soon as that vortex begins to swirl, take a deep breathe, mentally step back and label the thoughts as they come. If it's an unfounded anxious thought, simply think: anxiety. If it's a sad thought related to the past, think: sadness or nostalgia. This practice of labeling does not carry with it any judgement, only the idea that by calling the thoughts what they truly are, we can start to piece together the reality hidden in the haze. 

The second is to brain dump every morning. If you're thinking, "um, a brain what now?" don't worry, you're not alone. I picked up this trick from a casual conversation with an acquaintance who  explained this concept while I sat in awe. How it works: you sit down and write down anything and everything that's flying through your head. You can write to-dos, anxieties, wishes, random thoughts, etc. The idea is to capture it on paper, preventing it from whipping around in your noggin anymore.  Once the list is written, you can decide what to do next. Some of the tangible things you can make a plan for. Other things, you might untangle further a bit later. Whatever your next move, those thoughts racing through your mind are now captured in the written word, freeing your brain and allowing it room to really focus.

Here goes nothing! :) 

"Happiness is not a goal: it is the byproduct of a life well lived." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Happiness. That tricksy emotion that it seems humanity is constantly searching for. It's lead me to a question recently that I feel burns for all of us: what makes for a happy life? Are there key ingredients that we can mix together in a tangy recipe to bake eternal bliss? If Eleanor is right and it's the byproduct of the lives we choose to lead, then may I please get some bullet points on what "well lived" encompasses please?

I've been on a quest for years now trying to figure out the formula to a well lived life. However, last week, everything changed; an epiphany if you will. I'd just finished listening to the audio book for The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It's a interesting look into why we do what we do and how habits form our lives in insidious ways that never even cross our conscious minds. I always love a good dive into psychology.
Duhigg speaks about a man named William James who did a year long experiment where he decided he would believe in change and his ability to enact change. He determined that habits were what "allows us to do something with difficulty the first time, but soon do it more and more easily". He became an active participant in his life and sought to change the things that weren't serving him anymore.
It seems so easy. So straightforward. Make the decision and make your life happier.

Enter, the research: what are the habits of a happy person? Since this is a topic that everyone can relate to, there is a lot of information out there. There are books, articles, blogs (like this!), and more. A treasure trove for those of us actively wanting to better our lives and find true happiness or at least something really close. I'll settle for close.

I've decided to put my research to the test. Each week, I'm going to select one of the identified habits that happy people practice and I'm going to fold it into my routine. I'm going to apply it to my life with intention and report back here on my verdict. Do I feel happier? What do I notice as I try to change my habits? Join me if you'd like! You know what they say: happiness loves company :)
Okay.... that's not the saying, but it should be.

And away....we....go!